30 April 2010

Pipeline

There are times when the tsunami hits and you wipe out. Fortunately for me, when that happens, I head to a place not likely to be hit by a tidal wave -- unless, of course, you've seen this movie -- Filthadelphia.
There's something comforting about Philly to Unemps (unemployed masses). When you ride SEPTA, the sight of so many hobos regurgitating their breakfast vodka makes you realize that you're not doing as terribly as you thought. Or the realization that you could have a job on the horse poop removal crew at Independence Mall, bringing a new perspective to crappy jobs. As my dear mother says, count your blessings.

27 April 2010

Wipeout


I had a post for today, but then I lost the funny. I think it's under the sofa. Be back when I find it.

23 April 2010

Weekend

From Toothpastefordinner.com, with thanks to Fashionably Fit

Hanging Ten

After a day of staring at inane web job application forms, wherein you realize that you've been inside your house staring at a computer screen for ten hours with no discernible result and whining about how your university's academic standards cosmic punk'd you (more on this later), it's time to recharge. Here's a few things to stretch those spunky dendrites:
  • Become well-versed in Internet memes. From Long Cat to Hamster Dance, Charlie and the Unicorn to the fine art of Rickrolling, you'll dazzle potential employers with your vast knowledge of the Intertoobz. Or maybe they'll just think you're just one of those dumb hipsters.
  • In keeping with the above, learn to speak fluent Lolcats. You'll confuse innocent bystanders and most likely alienate your friends. But hey, why use proper English when you can ask your friends to clarify their speech by saying "Lolwut?"
  • Occupy Fivebucks Coffeehouse like Germans in the Sudetenland. Not only will you be able to view hipsters in their natural environment ("Crickey, look at this specimen, huddled behind his MacBook with his Ray-Bans and American Apparel V-neck!") but you'll be able to converse intelligently with them if you've followed Point 1.
  • Create playlists for each one of your moods. Play accordingly. I recommend Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence" for a bout of withdrawal, and Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name" when rejected from a job. One piece of advice: Don't play Journey, least of all "Don't Stop Believing." Everyone loves Journey. It's a federal law or something.
  • If you're female, grab your best girl friend and head to the most tasteless formal gown shop. Find the fugliest dresses you can, try on and take pictures. For some reason this is therapeutic. Maybe it's knowing that since you're unemployed, you won't be asked to wear that fugly bridesmaid dress (burnt copper with chocolate ruffles!) in your college roommate's wedding.
  • Become a self-proclaimed artiste and only refer to yourself by one name, for example, JeJune. If it sounds French or Swedish, so much the better. Compose atrocious poetry ("I call this Periwinkle Prosaism") and read dramatically at Fivebucks Coffeehouse. The hipsters will love it.
  • Cook odorous concoctions such as anchovy 'n cabbage lasagna and feed them to random people. Claim that it's your great-great-great-grandmother's recipe. 
  • Kick back and learn a new language via Youtube's University section. After you feed people the anchovy 'n cabbage lasagna, they won't know you're taunting them in Serbo-Croatian.

22 April 2010

Lists

I'm a list freak. I get this trait from my mother, who makes lists in order to navigate lists. Imagine my glee when I found numerous top-ten lists of things not to say to unemployed friends. After a day filling out endless online job apps (if I have to copy/paste from my resume one more time....), it's a welcome relief. So without further adieu, here's my adapted list, garnered from various corners of the Internet.

10. "Have you gotten a job yet?" (Ad nauseam)
If you're asking this during normal working hours, you have your answer.

9. "I heard about this -insert crappy job here --, but you could totally do it!"
One of the great balancing acts is not only finding a job, but finding a job that will allow you to make enough to live. Unfortunately, in some cases, it's more profitable to stay on unemployment than to get a part-time gig.

8. "You should see a doctor/dentist/chiropractor/pet psychic."
If I had health insurance, I totally would. As of right now, I can't spare $100 a pop for a sinus infection.

7. "My -insert random extended family member here- was unemployed for -insert time span- and he/she just got a great job!"
Fantastic. He/she probably just beat me out of that job I just applied to.

6. "Have you tried Monster/Careerlink/JustHired?"
Way ahead of you, Internet Guru. Except I got tired of weeding through the bajillion job scams to get to the real jobs.

5. "Now you are free to explore new things!"
Like clinical depression?

4. "You should write a book."
Publishing, like most things old media-related, is on life support. And to get an agent, you need money.

3. "Are you doing okay financially?" (Best asked in front of the unemployed's parents/extended family, or texted from a new I-Phone)
Let me type the answer to you on my diamond-encrusted I-Pad.

2. "Chin up. Something will come through."
As surely as mid-air sewage from a passing aircraft. I know this is well-intended, but it's a cliche of the ilk of funeral condolences.

1. "Just apply for everything!"
This is similar to number 9, but carries the implication that you're not doing enough to help your situation. My response has been to smile and nod politely, mostly because I haven't developed an appropriate snarky response yet.

Adapted from Boisegoodnews.blogspot.com and various (dying) print media outlets

Paddling

In 1,000 years, when anthropologists are sifting through the detritus of early 21st century culture, they will most likely scratch their heads at the knee-jerk reaction of the masses: when the going gets tough, the tough get blogging. I graduated in 2008 with a degree in journalism, which likely means I'll be living in a cardboard box at some point. I had (nearly) full knowledge of this when I graduated, but being a self-avowed word nerd, I continued forward. Fast forward nearly two years, and I've burned through a retail job (laid off due to the economy), wandered through three countries and finally settled with a part-time editorial assistant gig. All the while continuing to look for full-time work. In any field conceivable.
In the last two and a half weeks, I've applied for 15 jobs. Since I've hit this milestone, I decided to immortalize it in the digital hallows of the Intertoobs and provide commentary for the road ahead.