Your Actual Resume

You can lose yourself in the job search. After the umpteeth delicately-tweaked cover letter, painstakingly curated resume and well-written introductory email, you begin to feel like you're faking it.

So I created the resume for who I actually am. Here we go:


SELECTED EXPERIENCE

MahEars, Philadelphia, PA
Music Curator and Sonic Aesthetician 1989 - Present
  • Develop classic rock, sixties girl groups and sundry genres into bizarre yet pleasing playlists
  • Retain a disturbing amount of recording trivia and factoids gained from late-night Wikipedia rabbit trails
  • Alienate coworkers and friends with anachronistic song lyric quotes
  • Disturb fellow commuters on the Schuylkill Expressway with morning drive-dancing

MahBrain, Philadelphia, PA
Smartass in Residence 1986 -  Present
  • Create charmingly/alarmingly specific to-do lists and goals
  • Actively collect strange facts to develop obscure jokes and stories
  • Despises the patriarchy, injustice, inefficiency and ferrets
  • Chief aficionado of tasty food and random Philadelphia/New Jersey restaurants
  • Paint word pictures with thoughts and feelings (all of them)
  • Love with every fiber of existence; prize steadfastness

SKILLS
Dancing with cats
GIF emotion translation
Rapid-fire texting
Handwritten correspondence/cursive
Greeting card selection
Ephemera research
Hugging babies
Self-deprecating humor
Crunchy exterior, nougat center

How would your resume look?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Greek Chorus

Image
Job searching is exhausting. You ride the emotional roller coaster of hopeful application, giddy anticipation of an interview, and the stomach-lurching drop of the "no, thanks," or worse - the no reply. After a few gut-wrenching turns, you're ready to get off this harrowing ride. My experience in job hunting is quite noisy. On bad days, I imagine that inside my head is an ever-expanding Greek chorus that forms a diabolical Diana Ross and the Supremes-style antiphony in three-part harmony. Here's what they frequently sing: "Yoooou're a failuuuuuure! No one will hire you! You're just dressing up in a professional suit! So what if you aced your PMP? You think that someone will give you a chance? You're trying to network? HAAAAA!" It's a really worn-out song, and I'm tired of it. But the Greek Chorus is a one-hit wonder, and it's hard not to listen to them, especially after being in this for a few months. I'm writing about this becaus
Read more

Our Unemployed Brethren

Image
Here's a great profile from the ranks of the unemployed. I find it fascinating that the video was posted in 2006, before the worst of the U.S. economic crisis. But the real question is, did this guy trade in his AT-AT Walker under the Cash for Clunkers program?
Read more