Surfing (F)un-employment

Job searching is exhausting. You ride the emotional roller coaster of hopeful application, giddy anticipation of an interview, and the stomach-lurching drop of the "no, thanks," or worse - the no reply. After a few gut-wrenching turns, you're ready to get off this harrowing ride. My experience in job hunting is quite noisy. On bad days, I imagine that inside my head is an ever-expanding Greek chorus that forms a diabolical Diana Ross and the Supremes-style antiphony in three-part harmony. Here's what they frequently sing: "Yoooou're a failuuuuuure! No one will hire you! You're just dressing up in a professional suit! So what if you aced your PMP? You think that someone will give you a chance? You're trying to network? HAAAAA!" It's a really worn-out song, and I'm tired of it. But the Greek Chorus is a one-hit wonder, and it's hard not to listen to them, especially after being in this for a few months. I'm writing about this becaus...

You can lose yourself in the job search. After the umpteeth delicately-tweaked cover letter, painstakingly curated resume and well-written introductory email, you begin to feel like you're faking it. So I created the resume for who I actually am. Here we go: SELECTED EXPERIENCE MahEars, Philadelphia, PA Music Curator and Sonic Aesthetician 1989 - Present Develop classic rock, sixties girl groups and sundry genres into bizarre yet pleasing playlists Retain a disturbing amount of recording trivia and factoids gained from late-night Wikipedia rabbit trails Alienate coworkers and friends with anachronistic song lyric quotes Disturb fellow commuters on the Schuylkill Expressway with morning drive-dancing MahBrain, Philadelphia, PA Smartass in Residence 1986 -  Present Create charmingly/alarmingly specific to-do lists and goals Actively collect strange facts to develop obscure jokes and stories Despises the patriar...

Resume scanning software. Ghastly. Gone are the days of the whimsically written resume and the manual review. Toss in a handful of keywords, delete the word creative, and voila, maybe someone will pay attention to you. Fortunately, the way to evade being passed over by the robots is to add more robots. I popped my resume over to Jobscan  and threw a few job descriptions into the other field. I haven't updated my resume in a while (whoops), so it was expected that I only matched the descriptions at about a 56 percent rate. If you're new to seeding your resume with keywords, this is a great place to test what words work for you.

Today I came out to my car to find the front left tire completely flat. A bit of Fix-a-Flat later, I was off to the mechanic. In months past I would be freaking out, "I can't afford this!" But this time, I had the assurance of an emergency fund. Building savings while unemployed or digging out of debt is horribly difficult, but it can be done. Best of all, it helps to break the debt cycle. It's not fun or glamorous, but it helps. My mode was to automate my emergency fund and save spare change until I had enough to deposit. Not having the dull feeling of doom made it worth the months of scrimping.

You're un/under-employed, so you're cutting costs for the holidays. Cue the avalanche of Pinterest-flavored posts on jar-based gifts . Lucky Charms marshmallows? Another take on granola? Pepper vodka? Spare me. Why am I so Grinchy about handmade gifts? I love hand-knit beanie and scarf presents.... It's the lack of thought as to real cost. Yes, you might be able to give a thrifty gift by saving all of your spaghetti sauce jars and mass-producing your family gifts. However, the time that's required to put together all these glass container concoctions (not to mention the cost of materials) may actually be more expensive than seeking out a just-as-sentimental gift from Amazon. If you're still bent on a whimsical DIY gift, here are a few more personalized suggestions: Note cards that feature your (good) photography. A useful yet creative gift. Handcrafts exclusive to you. If you're a champion knitter, by all means, knit something spiffy. If someone knit m...

I've been wanting to tackle this topic for quite a while, but with much apprehension. One of the hallmark of bad bosses is you don't want to speak ill of the defunct, lest it affect your career. Nobody wants to be the whiner. And especially in this economy, unless you're in horrific conditions and subject to daily abuse you want to keep your job until you can flip to something better. Tons of horrible boss lists exist , imploring supervisors to dial back that narcissism just a bit, please. Other articles warn jobseekers about managerial red flags . But sometimes you just have a bad boss and you didn't recognize it at first because you were so desperate for the job. Or maybe you are the boss and don't realize how callous you are to your employees. Are you a bad boss? Do you: Require inhumane amounts of unpaid overtime Treat interns like slave labor to prop up your (dying) business Scream at/around underlings; making them your personal psychiatrists Belitt...

In all the fallout from the Snowden and NSA scandal, I think the only surprise news was that journalists woke up and actually started doing investigative reporting. Checking sources?! Stop the presses! I don't think anyone with a shred of discernment was shocked that many companies track users and communications. Information is currency and some companies' currency rivals that of governments. Nevertheless, I decided to delete my Facebook account for a few reasons: I wanted to protest (in some small, futile way) the creeping disregard for privacy (Verizon, you're next on my list!) As a journalist, I shudder at the number of my colleagues citing sources from Facebook. Seriously. If you believe things posted on Facebook, I have some great swampland in Florida to sell you. From a job perspective, having a Facebook account doesn't help me. If I want to post public information for potential employers, I'll stick to LinkedIn or this blog. Facebook is incredibly hac...

Myriad keystrokes have been devoted to email etiquette, but in last few weeks I've found annoying emails reaching a critical mass in my inbox. If you're job-searching and are guilty of these grievances, you might want to rethink your employment strategy. Infractions that make me want to chew glass: Reconfirming appointments multiple times even though you use Gmail and can see the entire conversation. Google calendar. Use it. Extremely long signature lines with favorite quotes, apologies for clumsy iPhone usage, or "funny" job titles. Color fonts , weird fonts , overused bold , italic or the cardinal sin, ALL CAPS THAT SCREAM I WANT MY PRUNE JUICE NOW, WHIPPERSNAPPER. I usually just hit delete rather than read. Smoke signals would be more effective communication. Forwards of any sort. If you sent me an email about our meeting, don't send me a follow up on how Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton use the blood of unicorns to condition their hair. Waxing philo...

I just moved into the city. I'm not normally finicky about sleeping environments given my normal predilection for sleep deprivation, but the past week has been an exception. So catching up on blogs is a better option than counting squeals from rabid possums. Last night I caught up on The Art of Non-Conformity , and I liked this post . Plus it quotes one of my favorite philosophers, Tom Petty. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn while job searching was to not only wait patiently, but to continue pursuing other options. It was difficult not to pin all my hopes on the current prospect, freezing my life for that fateful phone call or email. Holding patterns stink.

One of the challenges of job searching is becoming frustrated and exhausted. The idea of a conventional vacation seems out of reach because of lack of funds, necessity for being on hand for calls and interviews, and the odd twinge of workaholic guilt. Loose thy chains, people! I'm a fan of Chris Guillebeau , author of "The Art of Non-Conformity." Beside his trenchant commentary on living one's life without needing to submit to the normal 9-5 grind, I've enjoyed his section on t ravel hacking . Back to loosing thy chains. You can take a vacation for very little money. Sometimes you need a break from your circumstances and job hunting. Here are some ideas to get you on your way to feeling refreshed: 1. Become a tourist in your own town. Some museums offer free days - take advantage of these! 2. I love  Airbnb . I recently went on a week's vacation and stayed in a nice apartment for about $18 a night. It was cheaper and much more comfortable than a host...

One of my favorite parts about working for the county newspaper in college was getting to interview many different kinds of people. Whether it was making a rural borough council member sweat with rapid-fire questions about millage rates, or profiling an Iraq War vet documenting his experiences, each interview spawned more stories than from the interviewee alone. So it is with job interviews: I've come to value interviewers who step out of the "where do you see yourself in five years" line of questioning. The better candidate also needs to offer more than just generic questions. For me, it helps to think like a journalist. What questions would help draw out a good story? Of course, we can't have all good interviewers and interviewees, but that's why these comics from The Oatmeal exist. They're old posts, but classic. My favorite bad interviewee is the mute, only because I like nachos. What's the best question you've asked/have been asked in an i...

I graduated college with 20K in student loans and not a whole lot of comprehension about education. In contrast, some of the smartest people I know didn't even graduate high school. One colleague - I call him Programmer 1 - dropped out of school after seventh grade. Yet he can worm his way around higher mathematic concepts, program in at least eight languages, and is at least bilingual (he gleefully refuses to speak anything other than English around me, so I can't confirm the third language). How did he manage this? The other classroom. You know, where folks go after they leave work for the evening. They go home, pull up the laptop or book and start learning for their own benefit. One of my bosses told me about this classroom, and I initially dismissed it. Whatever happened to work/life balance? But it's not education solely for work -- it may be learning for the rest of your life. A few years ago I had the opportunity to delve into information assurance. I didn't ...

I have a confession to make. Although I identify myself as a writer, I HATE cover letters. Reading them, writing them -- doesn't matter. There's too much of a tightrope walk between bragging about your accomplishments (eloquently!) and trying not to seem too desperate as you plead your case for job competency. Some people agree with me. Nevertheless, it doesn't seem as if the cover letter plus resume culture will completely fade. Unfortunately, I don't have a surefire way to construct a cover letter to guarantee it'll get read by recruiters. Some like a story. Some prefer a terse, businesslike recounting of your most interesting accomplishments. Others - who knows. I haven't cracked it yet. I recently thumbed through Knock 'em Dead Cover Letters for the umpteenth time. I'll be honest. The book itself is boring, the examples providing inspiration on the level of an eighth grade remedial English class. If you're not a writer, it could provide some...

I recently sent my resume to a friend for his review. It's fascinating to see different folks' criticism of form and content, but I wasn't prepared for his evaluation. "It's only one page?!" he squawked. "You can let it run to two pages?!" I squeaked back. I was stunned. I've read a lot of resume-writing articles and books, but I was still stuck in the one-page-or-bust mindset. Fortunately, my friend blew apart my mediocre resume. Miracle of miracles -- I suddenly had room to explain my biggest accomplishments. There's a lot of advice about what works and what doesn't for resumes and cover letters, but I've learned to keep it simple. Show your strengths. If you're passionate about the projects you've worked on, it will show on your resume and others can catch the vision. Most of all, I've learned about the power of human relationships. Not simply playing the job hunting equivalent of LinkedIn Professional Pokemon (...

The parallels have been noted many times, but job hunting really is like dating. You're all giddy and hopeful, and maybe if you're talented enough (or have friends), you get a call. You set a date. You stress out over your outfit and debate whether a Spanish soccer jersey ( Casiiiiiiillas !) could be considered appropriate. The day arrives. Conversation flows and you discuss vision, dreams, ideas. Everything's sparkly and magical and the receptionist smiles beatifically as you exit. Elated, you begin planning your new life. Once you've ridden that delightful puffy cloud, reality dumps you into a steaming pile of silence. Trying not to look too desperate, you send a kind, handwritten thank you note. Nothing. The Easter Island statues talk more than your company-to-be. You spend weeks going over everything you said, searching for the source of some unnamed offense and driving your friends crazy with your self-psychoanalysis. Screw that.  Though no amount...

Friends sometimes ask me what should be put in a cover letter. I've read some cover letter books (boring!), and looked at tons of online examples. Maybe it's the journalist in me, but I always read the ones that tell a story. Don't tell me that you're a great _______, demonstrate that you're a great _____. I loathe the cover letter-speak we use: multi-faceted, creative, utilize, ideal candidate...the list goes on. Gag. I'm a literary ninja. What are you?

I wish I could say that's the sound my computer made when it decided to die. It's been on life support since June. I work for mad scientists whose combined brain power could turn my lowly Toshiba into a space station (or at least a toaster), but there simply isn't time. I'll try to return soon, kiddos.

In 2009, I was laid off (quite suddenly) from a job I hated. I decided from then on I didn't want to take a job unless I liked what I was doing or I liked my coworkers. These two criteria were put on hold when I decided I wanted to take a job so I didn't have to live in a cardboard box under I-95. I'm happy to say that I'm no longer in danger of that. Plus I have regained the two criteria in my job search. I accepted a job on Tuesday as a marketing and communications specialist for a manufacturing startup. I don't have too many details at this point, but it's definitely going to be weird to transition from writing tons of cover letters and resumes to writing public relations materials full time. I smell an adventure. In the meantime, I still owe you a review of What Color Is Your Parachute 2011 and Knock 'Em Dead Cover Letters . Pinkie promise.

In the late summer of 2008, I returned to the United States from Spain (at least we Americans don't have a 25 percent unemployment rate, eh?) and found the job market a vast wasteland. Like so many of my journalism brethren before me, I turned to retail. I worked at an independent pharmacy and gift shop until October 2009, when I was laid off. So I have little sympathy for Caitlin Kelly, author of Malled: My Unintentional Career in Retail . She takes a stab at exposing the plight of the proletariat, but Upton Sinclair she is not. For starters, her "career" in retail was two, then reduced to one day a week stints at The North Face in a New York suburb. When I read career, I think 40 hours a week. She complains about climbing like a monkey in the dark, dirty stock room, I raise her a stock room that occasionally flooded with raw sewage. It brought another perspective to the phrase "crappy job." I can, however, commiserate with her chapter on customers from hell,...

I attended my first career fair today. I'm not normally claustrophobic, but the sheer amount of people, schmooze and desperation in the air was enough for me to make the event a search-and-employ mission. I scouted out a few companies, pitched myself, handed them my resume and walked out. I needed a latte. Next time I'm developing an all-out battle strategy, which brings me to my next funemployment item. GUERRILLA MARKETING FOR JOB HUNTERS 3.0 IS OUT! It's like finally getting an iPhone 3 when the 4 came out. But lest you be dismayed, here's the highlight reel for the rest of 2.0. It's still chock-full of fantastic tactics. Parts two through four of Guerrilla Marketing detail what you should overhaul in your job-hunting arsenal. If you have a non-specific resume that doesn't state keywords from the job you're applying for, you'll be eliminated from the resume stack. Your resume and cover letter are your sales pitch. Write them as such, (but truthful...